Written Words

Things I need to do tonight:
-Laundry... because I need to not smell bad
-Some more Controls homework... because I need to graduate
-Job stuff... because I need to make money one of these days

Things I want to start doing:
-Reading my bible
-Praying
-Exercising

Things I want to do less of:
-Watching TV
-Watching TV I don't even like
-Eating soooo much chocolate
-Staying up late for no reason

Things I can't wait for:
-My wedding (!!!!)
-Graduating
-Moving to Texas with my new hubby
-Starting a (our) new life there

Things I won't miss:
-Winters
-Homework
-My family's drama
-Sleeping alone

Things that are awesome about my new Star Trek TNG Season 4 DVD set:
-The menu that is like the ship's engineering display screens
-The fact that instead of 'play' it says 'engage'
-Patrick Stewart
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard (of the USS Enterprise)
-The theme song
-Boldly going where no one has gone before

For all of those who didn't already know, I am engaged now! I would surprised if anyone reading my blog did not already know, but there you are.

The way he asked was really special. It was my formal (a Tridelta thing) that Saturday night, and we had a really beautiful day... we went shopping to get a few last minute things for the party, and then just relaxed and spent time together for a while, which is a treat even for a Saturday. Then I went and got ready, took a long shower, did my hair, did my makeup, put on my pretty dress - those things get me to feeling all girly, which I enjoy. He picked me up, and we left to go to formal. He looked very nice in his suit. It's a good suit.

We spent the evening talking to people, talking to each other, dancing - we didn't do too bad this year! We were less awkward dancing than last year, haha, which is to be expected. The building was lovely, and we had a good time with my sisters. Then we stopped by my house for my mom to take pictures.

Before we had left, he told me that we should take a walk when we got back, and I kinda knew then... after all, I knew he had bought the ring over break when we were in Texas. I figured that that night was a special occasion, so it made perfect sense to me. I found out later that he had planned to do it the weekend before by getting me to come down to the Millenium Flame or whatever that fountain out by Hatfield is called, with a picnic lunch and all that. It would have been lovely too, but of course, this being Indiana, it was raining that day. Very sad indeed.

In any case, when he put on all of 'our songs' (yeah I know, we have several, it's cheesy haha) on the way back, my suspicions were pretty well confirmed. It was kind of sprinkling, but we were determined to take a walk. We walked around the lake, me in my long dress, him in his suit, and stopped at the White Chapel. He proposed to me there on the bench, and it was so sweet! I was so happy, and the ring was so beautiful! It was very emotional, but it a good way.

That's the relatively short version. If you want to know what he said, you'll have to ask me because I feel weird typing it out and posting it on the internet for everyone to see...

We set a date pretty quickly (May 30th, 2009) and we've started some wedding planning. He's been very interested in the wedding planning, which makes it all the more fun. I'm really enjoying the whole process. I reserved the church (World Gospel), chose my colors (pink, brown, and ivory), started looking into reception venues, and (maybe best of all) started trying on wedding dresses. THAT was fun. The whole thing is going to be expensive and stressful at times I'm sure, but it will be worth it, because it's going to be beautiful!

The weather outside is pretty, and my classes aren't so hard. I love spring quarter, because it always seems a relief after winter quarter. I don't know how, but it seems like a lot of the miserable classes land in winter quarter, and it's cold and dismal outside, and you just hate things. Spring of course has it's own frustrations in that it's so pretty outside but you're usually still stuck inside doing homework. But it's pretty when I do get to go out, and that is nice.

We saw the pastor today at World Gospel. He's such a funny old guy. He's also so sweet and wise. He talked to us for like an hour just about engagement and marriage and how to make it last and all that... it was nice and fun, and occasionally very awkward (we got the sex talk, about how it's an important part of marriage and it's important to educate yourself before the wedding night, and oh so much more that we're not going to go into here haha). But it was so good to talk to someone who says that it just gets better and better, because there have been people who have been all like 'oh no, you're getting married' or 'man, better buy her what she wants' or 'you pay now or you pay later' blah blah blah. And I'm just romantic enough to think that marriage is a wonderful thing and that if you work at it and always put each other first, it can just grow and get more wonderful as you move through your life together. And that's what Pastor Coker said. He said that his marriage has never been better than it right now, and that he only expects it to keep getting better.

Until today, I've been more in the 'excited and newly engaged' mode. Of course we've been talking about being married and what it's going to be like and all that. But today, talking to Dr. Coker, I started to think more about actually being married and how wonderful that's going to be. I feel like that idea is cementing in my mind, and I'm looking forward to that more than to the actual wedding. My giddyness is being replaced with a deeper more sustainable sort of excitement, an excitement that looks forward to something very real and lasting.

I'm going to be Mrs. Brynsvold in 400some days! Crazy! I can't wait!

Just another week and a half and finals and I am finished with this quarter thank goodness. I'm pretty sure that I failed another thermo test, and it's such a shame because I felt so good about this stuff. It was all STUPID mistakes (I know the material really well), but what can I do but say 'oh well' and move on? I have more important things to do than beat myself up for screwing up.

Still though, I'm just sick about it. I can always find a way to mess up my best efforts.

I've been constantly listening to the Juno soundtrack since I got it. I love it. It's so beautiful. Those songs help me remember that even if we're supposed to pretend that we're not, we're still people with souls and longings... people that do stupid things, cry, have triumphs, and feel joy. I know I've said this before, but I just feel everything so strongly, and sometimes I don't know the right way to deal with it. I cry in front of professors, I whine until people are sick of me, I'm happy around people that think I'm weird because of it. But I don't want to leave it behind... I like loving with abandon and feeling so happy when I have reason, and even sometimes when I don't.

One more thing. I've decided silence may be the number one relationship-killer. So if you care about somebody, please for everyone's sake don't just shut them out. Even if you're mad at them... tell them and don't leave them in the dark. It hurts, maybe more than anything else, and it makes whatever is wrong just fester until it all explodes.

THBFM

I am just so upset right now.

There are so many things wrong with the way things are, and they all are hitting me at once. And there is no one to give me any sympathy.

That's really all I want, for someone to say, "Well, you know what, you actually are too busy, it's ok that you don't do this one thing. You actually do know your own schedule better than anyone else and you actually do work as hard as you know how."

My grades have to come up, and I am sick of seeing the people around me that aren't committed to as many things do better than me, time and time again. They're obviously not the ones doing something wrong; it's me.

My future doesn't depend on how well-rounded I am or if people like me real well or something. It doesn't even matter if I know the material real well, but just didn't get the chance to show it on a test. All people see is the number, the number less than three, and that's the end of it.

I am a student, not a professional extra-cirricular event attender. As much as I try, as much as it frustrates me to miss all these fun things that are going on, I cannot do everything I want to do. Believe me, it is not for lack of trying. I have tried and tried and tried to meet all the things required of me, and it is beyond the resources that I have. Something has to give, and it happens tonight. Tonight I make my stand against this rampant stupidity. Tonight I draw my line in the sand and stay in all night and study, and no one is going to tell me that the right thing to do is something different.

School first. Activities later. Others may try to tell me otherwise, but they have no authority over me.

Do your worst. I'm ready for the fight.

I was stupid and petty. I've admitted it, and I have accepted the consequences for what I did. But I can't stop wondering who it is that is reading this (I would assume regularly?) that would take something that I really only intended for a few friends that I like to share my life with and use it against me. I'm pretty sure it's not one of my LiveJournal friends - that just wouldn't make sense, but then again I guess you never know. I can't get too indignant because I was stupid and took no precautions posting sensitive things on the internet, but that's a mistake I won't make again. I guess I'll just make all my entries secure from now on.

So screw you. If you don't like me, leave me alone and don't read my journal.

Whoever it is that is passing things I write on, please do so with this too.

I am so sorry. It was something I never should have done. I never intended to hurt anyone, but just thinking that no one will see it is not an excuse. It's something that should not have happened period. I wrote it very soon after I saw, and I had a lot of mixed emotions about the whole thing, and it is not my business. I was out of line. But please forgive me and understand that this is somewhere I thought was safe to vent, and there is still a lot of guilt that I carry around from the past. Again, not an excuse, but sometimes we do crazy things that we shouldn't do and that is what made me do this one.

So, please know, whoever you are, that I am embarrassed and humbled and above all apologetic and do me the courtesy of spreading it like you did my last entry. But who in the world is reading this and telling people anyway? That was never the purpose of this space, to get attention and badmouth people. The only reason I write here is to prevent EXACTLY this sort of thing from happening, because sometimes there are things that are not good to talk about and I guess I thought this was a solution; a place where I can just talk about things and settle them in my mind. I know that's really stupid that I thought that - it's the internet and anyone can see anything, but I genuinely thought that there were only a few people that I knew very well that actually read it. Goodness, that's why I changed journals earlier this year anyway, to break off from the past. Now please leave me alone and I will do the same to you and your friends.

Effing Grimaldi. He gave me a C. WTF??

Oh well. Whatever. I'm going to go try and clean this awful mess some more now. It may look decent right around the time I'm ready to move out again. *sigh*

It was really pretty good.

I got there at 7:50 or so, plenty early. Somebody let me in and I wandered around until my boss (really my boss's boss) showed up and started taking me around. I filled out a bunch of HR forms and kinda figured out where stuff was. Then Mark (my boss's boss) kinda got me off the ground on the project and showed me to my *office*!

Yeah that's right kids, I've got my own office. It's a place that is mine that a company gave me because they want me to work for them. I'm not gonna lie, I am so proud! It's got a desk (two, really!), a filing cabinet, a computer, a phone - I've even got my own extention!! It's bigger than my Dad's office, hehe. It has a window! It's got all my things in there... I'm just so happy to have it! :-D

I kinda screwed around doing one thing or another (some things work related) until lunch. When my boss got back from the doctor, he trained me some more; explained the company organization, talked about the spreadsheets and abbreviations, and sent me out to buy steel-toed safety shoes for when I have to go into the plant. Yeah, they gave me a voucher for however much I wanted to spend and sent me out on company time to buy myself a pair of shoes.

After the shoes were bought, I hit up Books A Million for a book on the database program I'm going to be using and don't know at all called Access. I was planning to just buy it myself, but they told me to get reimbursed for it, and who am I to argue?

Back at work that afternoon, I worked on the book and just general setting up stuff. My office is a little sparse still, but that is something I'll work on.

Everyone just seemed so nice. Maybe not all the best engineers ever, but it seems like there's a good office dynamic and everyone seemed to like me just fine. Plus, I'm one of two interns and they have me working on a real problem they're having, so it's not just busywork like some internships seem to be. I'm really very happy about this job.

THBFM

Classes are over.
Finals are over.
Moving is over.

I am home, sort of.
I am a little more relaxed.
I am ready to enjoy myself this summer.

If there is one nice thing about working your butt off, it is that it makes you value your free time so much. Even though I'm at home again this summer, it will be nothing like it was last time. Now I have a job - a good responsible internship-type job (I just got hired three days ago, out of the blue!). I have a lot of strength and resourcefulness that I have gained this year, and I think it will keep my spirits high.

Since I have a week before I start working, I've decided to try and clean up my horribly messy house a bit. I don't know if it's always been this bad or if I just notice it since I've left for college, but it looks awful around here and no one really seems to care. I guess I'll just see what I can do.

My hopes are high, and I'm a little worried that I'll disappoint myself again. Like I said, I guess we'll just have to see what I can do.

THBFM

Aw man, I am STILL not studying. I have a final early tomorrow morning. I guess I'm not all that worried about it, but I need to make sure I'm prepared. But how exciting is this, that in two and a half days my sophomore year will be over! And I'm that much closer to a real life!

After all my worries about this summer, it looks like something will finally work out. It seems to me that I'm supposed to be at home with my family this summer, and that we will get along after all. And an internship possibility right here in town just kind of materialized out of the blue today. Seems things have a way of working out just when you've finally accepted that they won't. So I've learned that all you can do is try your hardest, keep a positive outlook, and trust that God will put you where he wants you.

Another thing that became crystal-clear to me last week is that you cannot continue to do things for someone else indefinitely, strictly for them and not for yourself. You don't end up being as good as you had thought you would be, and it ends up worse than if you had just been a little more honest. But friends come and go. Some friends slip quietly away, others in a blaze of hate. Maybe I always should have figured. The best I can say about it is that sometimes people were important for each other during the time when they got along, and that they have to respect what was good as well as what was bad. I guess it's easier to leave things if you decide to see only the bad - in fact, this is almost definitely true. It's a choice, just like everything we do. The choice to be honest or save someone's feelings, the choice to be kind or cruel, the choice to be happy or miserable. It's not up to us where life takes us, but it is up to us how we take what we get.

In the end, I know who I am, and while that person is far from perfect, I am satisfied with the direction I am going. My grades are not great, but I'm still here and I've worked hard for them. I'm not always good like I want to be, but I try so hard and I really do want to make everyone as happy as I can without compromising who I am.